I left the house one morning for an appointment.  I was going through a divorce and I was hurt and very angry.  As I was driving and thinking, my anger erupted like lava out of a volcano.  I was driving and yelling some very uncustomary words for me.  I found myself yelling at God. 

When the reality of what I was doing hit me I was afraid so I started praying.  I prayed the entire way to my appointment, which was about 40 minutes.  I prayed for forgiveness, peace of mind, and I have no idea what else.  I pulled into the parking lot emotionally exhausted.  I sat there a few minutes trying to regain some composure so I could meet with my client.  I heard a voice, but there was no one around me.  I realized God spoke to me saying, "Don't you know I love you and that it is okay to be angry with me?”  I leaned against the steering wheel and sobbed like a baby.  The release was tremendous and the peace was greater than anything I had ever experienced.  Unfortunately it did not stay with me long.  I had a love/hate relationship with God that I didn't understand.  I had become a Christian 14 years earlier in 1970 and I had been a preacher for ten of those years.  I knew he loved me in my head, but I began to realize over time that I did not know it in my heart.  I was raised in a legalistic religion, which is based on performance.  I was still functioning in that kind of a relationship with God.  I had not truly learned unconditional love, grace, or the value I inherited from Jesus Christ.  It was 1984.

Somewhere in my childhood I had understood anger to be a sin.  I was never taught how to properly express or process anger.  After I became a Christian I read in the Bible "In your anger do not sin:  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Eph. 4:26 (NIV)).  I interpreted it to mean that I should deal with my anger and not suppress it.  I did not read that I was not to be angry or that it is a sin.  It says, "In your anger do not sin".  So I understood that anger can lead to sin and uncontrolled anger can be extremely dangerous to the one who is angry (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and to the one at whom it is directed.  "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" means to settle your anger with the person involved and don't sleep on it. 

I had very low self esteem and it was extremely difficult for me to confront people with whom I was angry.  Especially if that person was an authority figure.  Over a 28 year period I had three episodes of severe depression - 1970, 1986, and 1998.  The first two times I was able to process my feelings enough that the depression decreased and I could live, as much as I knew how, what I called a normal life. 

Normal is a relative term and rarely ever means the same thing to two people.  I found this definition on Dictionary.com - Psychology.  A. approximately average in psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.  B. free from any mental disorder; sane.  I am a smart person, but...  oh well.  (I remember seeing a bumper sticker that said, "People who think they are normal scare me.")  

The third time I finally discovered my depression was caused by suppressed anger.  This set me on a path of finding out the source of my anger and why I had suppressed it.  This suppressed anger was very confusing to me because I did not feel angry.  At least not how I thought a person feels when they are angry.  As the years progressed, I realized this suppressed anger was also unresolved anger.  There are many ways to deal with anger, but the best way is to talk to the person with whom I am angry.  In my case, four of the people had died. 

As time passed I read books on anger management.  I learned how to own my anger and that it is my decision whether or not I get angry.  I used to say, "You make me angry".  Now I can say, " I allowed myself to get angry when you...whatever".  I have also learned that choosing to become angry with a person is giving them a great deal of power over me.  No one has that kind of power over me unless I give it to him or her.  I try to choose not to give anyone that kind of power over me, but if I do, I try to resolve it as quickly as possible.  I struggled with this issue for 22 years.

Fast forward to 2006...  I found a book, The Search for Peace by Dr. Robert S. McGee.  This book has been a tremendous help and a guide to wonderful peace in my life.  I have found out my anger meant there was unforgiveness in my life.  I thought I had forgiven the people who hurt me, but I learned I had forgiven them in my mind, not in my heart.  This brought me a great deal of torment and anguish. 

You can find this book at  McGee Publishing or used copies are usually on Amazon.com and other used books sites on the net.  You can also click on the picture of the book below to see some videos by Dr. McGee summarizing the book and how to use it.  Use the username admin and the password 123456.  If my experience pushes any buttons, you might want to pursue this book and find some peace of mind.  God bless you as you continue your battle over anger and your search for peace and contentment.

Anger Management in Sobriety